


Izaya's Zoo of the Strange and Unusual

by Camorra



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: 5+1 but the author can't count so it's 6+1, Crack, Fluff, M/M, did i mention crack. because that's what it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camorra/pseuds/Camorra
Summary: Shiki dumps exotic animals on Izaya to watch him squirm.





	Izaya's Zoo of the Strange and Unusual

**Author's Note:**

> i stole the idea from varrix again, but took the term 'exotic animal' very loosely. 
> 
> thanks to steph, because i can't spell.

  1. _Piranha_



Izaya is ridiculously high maintenance.

Not in the “you didn’t answer my text within two minutes” sort of way, but in the “if I don’t feed you twice a week and move the sharp things to where you can’t reach them you’ll probably die” sort of way. 

Shiki’s heard that pets help teach responsibility.

“You got me a fish,” Izaya says dubiously, peering at the tank.

“No,” Shiki corrects, “you’re  _ babysitting _ the fish.”

“I’m billing you for this.”

“If you must.”

“I really do.” Izaya taps at the glass lazily, the fish peering back at him with red, slitted eyes. “It looks kind of demonic, ne? What kind of fish did you say this was?”

“Piranha.”

Izaya’s head whips to look at him, eyes filled with unholy glee. “I don’t suppose anyone has make any mistakes recently, huh?”

Yes.

Shiki has. 

“I’m not cutting off someone’s finger so you can feed it to your fish.”

There are bodies to be disposed of. Way more entertaining. 

He’ll bring one by later. 

 

  1. _Fennec Fox_



Izaya becomes the go-to animal-sitter. For all that he’ll bitch and moan about animals and time and how much it costs, etc etc, he never fails to actually take them in. 

Not that he does it for free. He charges a truly  _ obscene  _ amount of money, but most of that can be offset by passing it onto the buyer and the rest is made out in sheer entertainment value, so it all balances out, really.

It’s while Shiki’s taking a much-needed smoke break in the offices behind the art gallery that his phone vibrates in his pocket.

“Shiki,” he says, snapping it open.

“ _ I’m trimming my next coat in fox fur if you don’t come pick it up in the next half hour.” _

“Good afternoon to you, too, Orihara,” Shiki says. “I’d like to remind you of the terms of the contract.”

They don’t have one. 

_ “I have fox come on my pants.” _

Shiki doesn’t swallow his cigarette because this is not the most bizarre thing Izaya has ever told him, but it’s a close call. 

“Were you trying to fuck the fox?”

Akabayashi perks up from across the room, the absolute degenerate. 

“ _ No, I wasn’t trying to fuck the fox. If anything, it was trying to fuck _ me.”

“Huh,” Shiki says. “Forward me your bill for dry-cleaning and I’ll have it taken care of.”

“ _ Are you listening? This stupid fox has been humping my leg for the past three hours like I’m some glorified sex toy, and I’m going to murder it.” _

Izaya doesn’t have the balls to kill anything. Lacks that sort of mental fortitude. 

“I’ll send someone to pick it up.

But what would he be if he allowed this fragrant violation of his territory to a  _ fox? _

 

  1. _Burmese Python_



The snake is a symbol of rebirth and sly and cunning and it should be no surprise that it feels like Izaya can talk to them.

He thinks Izaya falls in love. 

Izaya’s coat is a shapeless and tacky piece of garbage, but it doesn’t usually have  _ lumps  _ like it does now. 

That’s when a triangle shaped head pokes out near the collar briefly before diving back in. 

Ah.

“Orihara,” Shiki says, because they are in the office and Akabayashi would have a field day if he found out they were sleeping together. “Is there a snake in your coat?”

“Is that a euphemism?” there’s Akabayashi. 

“Nope,” Izaya says, popping his ‘p’ and his buttons, opening his coat to reveal a python curled around his chest. 

Well. 

That’s one way to care for a snake.

He thinks nothing of it until later when he crawls into Izaya’s bed, grabbing Izaya around the waist and tucking him in closer.

Izaya mutters sleepily, grabbing his hand and curling around it like it’s a favorite toy of his. “You’re late.”

“I know.” Shiki drops a kiss on the back of his neck, and Izaya rolls himself tighter into Shiki’s arm and his breaths fall back into an easy rhythm. 

Shiki’s about to join him when—

_ Something slithers by his foot. _

Shiki’s hauling Izaya out of bed before Izaya can protest, scrambling for the knife he knows he should have kept on him, damn it

“Relax, relax,” Izaya’s saying, tired and irritated. “It’s just the snake.”

Shiki’s quiet for a long, long moment. He doesn’t let go of Izaya’s waist. “You took a  _ Burmese python  _ into bed with you?”

“Well, obviously.”

He knew that Izaya had no concept of self-preservation, but this is a whole new level. 

“Why?”

“The heat lamp broke.”

“And this was the  _ only  _ possible solution?”

“Of course not. It was just the easiest.”

Shiki tosses Izaya over his shoulder, and marches out of the bedroom. “What are? Where?”

“My place.”

“It’s four thirty.”

“Yes. Play snake hunter later. Sleep now.”

“Is that a  _ euphemism?” _

_ “No. _ ”

Yes.

 

  1. _Siberian Husky_



“Orihara,” Shiki starts, “I have a husky in need of a—”

Izaya hangs up.

Shiki brings it over anyway.

There are regrets.

And then there are Regrets. 

They don’t talk about it, but Shiki adds three things to the “things I didn’t know would turn me on: vaguely concerning” list that day.

 

  1. _Panther_



Shiki thinks that Izaya enjoys the sheer  _ drama  _ of having a panther in his apartment. 

“Hello,” Izaya greets him, legs stretched out to rest on the floor, computer on his lap.

And, of course, the panther curled around his feet like it’s some sort of domestic kitten and not evolution’s pinnacle of danger. 

Izaya turns back to his client, some businessman in a nice suit more than a little put out that there’s a panther on the floor, eyeing it warily. 

Honestly, it’s only the second most dangerous thing in the room.

Third, now that Shiki’s here. 

Now that he thinks about it, he’s not sure whether he’d put himself or Izaya at the top of the list. Izaya doesn’t have the capacity for physical violence that Shiki does, but Izaya seems to be barely constrained by reality most days. 

He supposes it depends on Izaya’s mood. 

“How does a thousand sound?” Izaya’s saying cheerily, pecking at his keyboard.

“That’s rather cheap—”

It really is.

“There’s three zeros at the end, of course,” Izaya says merrily.

“That’s  _ far  _ too much—”

“I think it’s market value for my services,” Izaya says as the panther growls. “We’ll be in touch.”

“Ah, yes, of course,” the suit says, scooting out the door as fast as his stubby legs can carry him.

“Are you using a panther for extortion?” Shiki wonders, not entirely sure they’ll make their dinner reservation. It’s too bad. Izaya needs to eat more.

Izaya gives him a sunny smile, stretching his arms high over his head. “Of course.”

Is this what love feels like?

Maybe, maybe not.

“That’s an awfully predatory look you have there, Shi~ki~san,” Izaya sings, the edges of his smile going from sunny to  _ hungry. _

“Is it?” Shiki says, coming to lean over Izaya on the couch. “I suppose you would be the expert.”

Izaya hums, but the looks he gives Shiki is ten times more predatory than anything he’s seen the panther do. 

 

  1. _Albino Peacock_



Once, a long,  _ long  _ time ago, Shiki made the absolute mistake of telling Izaya he was too quiet. 

Now, he moans like a porn star with something to prove. 

But, underneath it all, there’s something disquieting. 

Shiki feels something  _ watching  _ him.

He stops, and Izaya bangs his heel on his back in annoyance. “Something the matter?” he says, and his tone kinda suggests that the world should damn well be ending. 

Shiki looks over his shoulder into the cold, dead eyes of the peacock.

“It’s watching us fuck.”

“Of course it is,” Izaya snaps. “I’m beautiful. Now get back to it.”

It’s remarkably hard to get into the mood when a neo-dinosaur is watching your every move. 

“I think it’s judging me.”

“ _ I’m  _ judging you.” Izaya’s fidgeting and looking impatient. “Just fuck me into the mattress, damn it.”

Shiki tries to comply, but he swears he can feel the cold, beady eyes on him as he moves.

Then, there’s a sharp  _ poke  _ right on his ass.

Izaya makes an unhappy noise as he pulls out, leaping off the bed to heard the peacock out of the room.

But it doesn’t want to go. 

“Having fun there, dear?” Izaya says from the bed, making no move to be helpful. 

“A blast,” Shiki says, as the demonic hell-beast aims for some  _ very _ delicate parts. 

“See, if someone didn’t foist animals on me, this wouldn’t be an issue,” Izaya says lazily, as Shiki tries to make himself large and scare the peacock out the door.

The peacock looks unimpressed. 

“I don’t think your plumage is as impressive,” Izaya comments. “Not nearly as colorful, at any rate.”

So Shiki punts it out the door, slamming it behind it.

“Ooh, my hero,” Izaya breathes, “protecting me from the evils of— _ hey.” _

It’s much easier to pound into Izaya when he’s bent over the bed like this, really.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Shiki says to be an ass. 

“Hrghh.”

“That’s what I thought.”

 

  1. _Satan, Probably_



It looked like a little leopard, if leopards had been designed by Marilyn Manson and looked like evil incarnate. 

Three men were injured simply getting the thing to Izaya’s apartment, not to mention the countless injuries incurred by those who dared stick their fingers in the cage.

They’ve lost more fingers to that damn cat then they have to all the yubitsume rituals in the past five years. 

So, of course, Izaya takes to it like it’s the best thing to grace the earth since the cellphone.

“Isn’t it  _ precious, _ ” Izaya coos, watching it knead his shirt as it prepares to curl up on his chest, making a sound like a motorcycle starting up. 

In hindsight, Shiki should have taken the thing back with him the moment Izaya  _ cooed  _ at it. 

But he was  _ foolish,  _ and Izaya looked like the  _ definition  _ of joy and… he’s really whipped, isn’t he? So he left them alone.

“It’s name is Four,” Izaya tells him the next time he sees him, hell-cat tucked into his arms.

Because  _ of course  _ Izaya names his cat  _ death.  _

“It’s the first kanji of your name, isn’t it?”

Shiki gives him an unimpressed stare, but Izaya just smiles at him and nuzzles the cat to his face and Shiki really doesn’t have the heart to say anything.

Especially when he’ll come in the door and Izaya will be curled around Four like the touch-starved moron he is, or when Izaya leans against him and refuses to move because “There’s a cat on me, Shiki. I can’t move, I’m  _ chosen.” _

Then, there’s the  _ other  _ thing.

“Look, it’s so useful,” Izaya says, scooping Four up and holding it far too close to Shiki’s face for comfort. Four lets out a little burp and the tip of Shiki’s cigarette glows red. 

It breathes fire.

_ Of course it does.  _

That’s how Shiki finds himself saying, with a completely straight face, “I think it’s better off in my hands.” And then staring as hard as he can until the runt in a lab coat agrees that ten thousand is adequate compensation for nature’s mistake and that it probably did die in transit.

  
  



End file.
